Constructive Criticism on my first sonnet?

Hey there. You did a really good job, and I can tell you've practiced writing poetry a lot. You have a very precise skill with language, and your rhyming has a natural sound more or less. For a sonnet though, you don't need to stay in such a strict meter and format. It's not necessary to count ten syllables for every line and stress every other syllable. That's the traditional way to write sonnets, but since the early 20th century, poets have stopped adhering to these rules because it causes poems to sound a little too formal and old fashioned. It's okay to use 11 syllables in one line and 13 syllables in another line. The important thing is that the poem sounds good--which means natural and unforced. I know this is your first sonnet--and it's vastly better than the first one I ever wrote--but the main problem with it is that it doesn't sound very natural. My rule of thumb for writing anything is only to write something I'd say in normal speech. That doesn't mean that writing is the same as having a regular conversation. Writing is a higher form of communicating than speaking, but writing with fancy diction can get very silly. You want your choice of words to be very precise--as yours are in the poem you wrote--and you want to choose the most creative and interesting way to say something. Hemingway said that you should "make and not describe." Be relaxed and don't force your words, but don't be too loose and careless.